Two chicken salad wraps
Two peanut butter and freezer jam sandwiches
3 hard boiled eggs
2 string cheese
1 bowl of cottage cheese + peach yogurt
1 apple
1 cup of applesauce
1 diet cherry vanilla coke
This isn't the contents in their entirety of the fridge in the office break room. This is what I fixed for my husband to eat for his lunch today. Not for him and the other full-size man in his shirt pocket. Just for him.
I didn't marry a binge eater...I married a personal trainer. I married the guy who weighs himself first thing in the morning as naked as he came and prays that the day prior didn't leave him in a calorie deficit causing him to lose weight and fall under 190.
Exit that world, and please enter mine. Hello. Welcome. I'm the girl who is meant (and lawfully bound) to spend the rest of her life cohabiting with the irrational fears of a boy who doesn't want to lose weight. His loss is my gain. I mean that literally.
Case Study #1
Josh and I went on a road trip where we were away from our routines of eating regularly and excercising daily. Upon our return, he was down 3 lbs, I was up 3 lbs. He lost it, I found it.
This is one example of many where I'm convinced that God has a very ironic sense of humor. Original sin suggests that Eve tempted Adam, but let it be written and recorded...Adam took over from there.
I can eat my egg-white omlet for breakfast, my garden salad for lunch, and my chicken breast with steamed vegetables for dinner which fit nicely into my daily caloric intake needs. But what about the other 3500 calories that Josh is supposed to eat? What about the large tub of hot buttered popcorn at the movie theater that fits nicely into HIS diet? What about the ice cream, the french fries, the pizza, the hamburgers and the various other salty and sugary bits that still don't seem to add up to all the calories that Josh is supposed to eat in a day?? How do I tell myself to stop...and just watch him go, go, go??
I will give him this much credit and then I'll stand my ground on the injustices in this world...Josh has worked VERY hard to turn his body into a thermal calorie destroyer. He works out almost every day, and he works out very hard. In additon to this, Josh is a man who saves all of his feelings, emotions, stresses and injustices for the gym. He keeps them stored in his head until it's time to pound them out with mind-numbing music and let them drip down his forehead and off his nose into a puddle of other lost and forgotten annoyances.
I don't exercise my emotions, feelings, or injustices. I eat them. And if you're my good friend, I'll eat yours too. I don't go to the gym to make myself or my girlfriends feel better. I take them to the Mio Gelato in the Pearl. Sweeten that bad taste in my mouth with a little Italian hot chocolate or a couple scoops of Marzcapone. There's something a little more instant gratifying about a dessert that makes you feel good, then a workout that makes you tired, then full of lactic acid which reminds you that you're sore the next day when you go to sit down on the toliet. Good morning hamstrings!
I suppose I'll just keep up with the quiet struggle of trying to fit in my fig leaves.
Isn't this how it goes? You start a blog, blog dies. You start a blog, blog hybernates. You write in April, abbrakadabra, it's October. Come on, did you really expect me to write in the months leading up to my wedding?! Probably, and so did I. But yadda yadda.
Josh and I were married! August 10th. Yes, on a Thursday. Is that random? No that's not the word, the words are "less expensive." I won't say "cheap" because we most certainly still paid for the "wedding sticker". Let me give one more sentance to the phrase, "wedding sticker", then I'll be done. Call up a reception site and tell them you would like to host a corporate event, your charge will be $300, call up same reception site and tell them you would like to host a wedding reception, your charge will be $3000. And oh how the prices climb from there. If there was ever sticker shock, I would say the word wedding has earned its sticker. (ok, that was 3 sentances, but I really am done now.)
If it weren't cliche and and lame to cash in on the success of someone's already brilliant and executed idea, I would be knocking down the door of Tom and Rita giving them little other reason then the FACTS that speak for themselves of why they should produce "My Big Fat Mormon Wedding." I have 6 married siblings, each sibling and their spouse averaging 3.3 children and several more on the way. That's just immediate family. This immediate family is scattered from sea to shining sea. Literally. I'm in Portland, OR, I have a sister in Williamsburg, VA, my parents are in Baton Rouge, LA, and all others are scattered in between. Given that this was an "offsite" wedding, there were hotels to find, rentals cars and rides to coordinate, 3 meals a day to prepare for 20 children, 15 adults...and a wedding to pull off on the side. Somewhere in the lingering future were the words "peace" and "quiet" but that kind of perspective is only realized hindsight. 35 immediate family members with 35 ranging personalities and temperments was only half the fun for the week of family and wedding bliss. The actual day itself to others with less of a sense of humor then me might call it an omen.
The ceremony was to start at 1p. At 1:45 we were finally ushered into the room where we would be married. The delay was due to a computer glitch. I still don't know what that was really all about, all I know was it was the first domino...of many. Initially, this wasn't a huge upset, we had allowed plenty of time for the floral arrangements, the cake, and the bouquets/boutonnières to be crafted between the ceremony and the reception at 6p. After the ceremony, family members went to the hotel to change, Josh and I stayed behind for a photoshoot at the Portland Temple where we were married, and everything still seemed to be going along smoothly (aside from the other minor hiccup where Josh accidently stepped on the bustle of my dress and ripped it). It was around 3p when family members hit the road for the short 20 minute drive into Oregon City...slooooow forward to 5:15p and finally the family started pulling into their destination. Traffic was record breakingly bad, like Seattle operating on one bridge during a snow storm - bad! There was 45 minutes to frost and decorate the 4 wedding cakes, de-leaf and thorn the buckets of flowers, arrange the 12 floral centerpieces, dress the 20 children AND take family photos prior to the arrival of guests. Josh and I had decided to take the back way into Oregon City, as we made our way, slowly but surely, we realized that we had left my bouquet at the temple, and had to back track to go get it. Once we finally made it to my brothers house, I had to very quickly touch-up my make-up and for the first time all day...finally go pee! After a quick 39 second touch-up and hustle out of the bathroom, one of my darling nephews looked at the train of my long white gown and asked "What's that?" After a whiff and sample, we quickly learned that the trane of my dress was covered in...poop. An animal or young child had an accident...it was too late, and too irrelevant to trace it's origin. It very was shortly after this that I allowed myself to look around and accept that this wedding, was falling apart. Guests were to show up at the reception site in 20 mins. My mother-in-law was patiently making careful frosting stokes on the FIRST of the 4 cakes, my brothers who were desperately recruited were hauling buckets of unmanicured flowers downstairs onto the deck to assemble the centerpieces themselves, kids of all ages, some dressed, some not, were running around the house - innocently unaware of any crisis, and there I was standing at the sink with my new handsome groom...as he scrubbed poop off my dress.
I'm going to stop there. I think that's sufficient for the tension of what we were up against on the biggest day of our lives. You ask anyone that finally made it to the reception by their own journey through traffic, and they'll tell you they didn't even notice that there was a mad scramble to throw it all together. In no time at all we we left the devil out of the details and we just had a wonderful time. Lots of hugs, "thank yous", introductions, laughs, pictures, kisses, and in two blinks the evening was over. I guess you could say the day was in sorts an omen, in quiet reflection on our way to the honeymooners lodge (our apartment) we realized that our life together, from that moment on, was going to be a lot of love, and a lot of poop on the dress. Bring it on.
